The Loss of a Loved One

When I reflect on my grandmother’s death, I remember a rainbow. Not a rainbow in the sky or a full rainbow, but a slice of color refracting through the window and onto the kitchen table. 

    I recall, my mother discussing funeral plans, “We are leaving at 5 AM. It is a four hour drive to Akron. Wear your white dress shirt. Do you have a tie?”

    I listen passively, but I am more captured by the tiny piece of rainbow light.

   I was beautiful back then even beautiful in spirit. It was before I found God and before I was put on psychiatric medication. My perceptions were distorted. However, that allowed me to see beautiful things.

   “Are you listening Brett?”

   “What?” I shifted my attention to my mother.

   “I said. Your bothers are meeting us at the Church. I expect you to be congenial with them.”

    I thought, maybe this rainbow is a sign? It could be my grandmother. Maybe it is my grandmother? The spirit is light, right? This could be her divided up in an array of color, telling me it is beautiful on the other side, telling me that it will be alright.

    I only felt a small portion of grief that day. She lived to be nearly a hundred, she didn’t suffer much, and she kept her dignity. I could see her waking up, making her bed, and finding her chair by the window. I would visit and she would work on crossword  puzzles as we talked about my future plans. This is the way she lived until she broke her hip at ninety-nine. I mean, wow, that is amazing! There is no way I will live to be that old. 

      Now, twenty-three years have passed, and I know my grandmother isn’t really gone because I feel her with me. I even hear her spirit speak to me. I love you sweety, she says. It’s not all the time that I know her, it’s only when I really need her.

    “Are you going to be alright, Mom?” I remember the tears and her holding back the hurt. She did it for us. She was so strong, but in that moment the emotion was released. I stood and gave her a hug. “It’s OK. You know it’s going to be OK. No one really dies.”

written by: Brett Wiley